Hold My Hand by DaliaVonEnixia

The worry lines etched
deep into her very soul
are poorly disguised.
 
She sits in silence
in a hospital, afraid
at her sister’s side.

Tired of hearing
the best-case scenario
when nothing is sure.

Grief for what might be
begins to burrow into
the cracks of her heart.

Desperately she clings
to a faith she’s trying not
to dismiss or doubt.

Feeling more fragile
than she ever has before
she hides behind smiles.

When her sister’s eyes
open there’s no light behind
them to provide hope.

She doesn’t want to
hear the odds of recovery,
but watch it happen.

Searching empty eyes
she asks her sister weakly:
“Will you hold my hand?”

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 CRITIQUE/REVIEW

Vision: H_3 and a Half Stars Wht

Our usual vision standard will have to be set aside yet again, and we will have to return to the generic measurement for this particular critique/review.

The vision here is clear enough to where we “get the gist”, but that is as far as it gets.

Because we get not even a brief mention of back-story, as to how this particular individual found themselves in this situation, and or how did the author/poet find them self here, we have to subtract a full star. I could have replaced a half star for each persons brief back-story, had it been inserted. A half-star was also deducted because there is no landscape/environment.

For example: (skip the haiku format, this is for vision purposes)

The Poet: The call, it came unannounced, the hospital that knew my name.

The Injured: The light shined red, she stopped as she should, another chose not to.

The Environment: Cold and white, devoid of life, the room shared in her despair.

The author mentions a Hospital, but without the environment, we are left in the lobby, and not in the room with the two women.

Originality: H_3 and a Half Stars Wht

So now the expected question… Is this original?

Nooo… As if this was the first time members of a family gathered over tragedy in a hospital.

This should have been a two star crash, but…

  • Seeing as this is the first critique I have done for this particular artist.
  • This artist is young.
  • This artist is drawing from a non-fiction event. (I saw a pic on her Instagram)
  • This artist genuinely asks for specific input in the description of the poem.

A 3 ½ is more than fair.

The artist is sincerely interested in growth, and for that, we will give latitude.

I would have liked to see some proper nouns. (Sisters names, hospital name)

Colorful environment. (Day/Night, Hot/Cold, Winter? Summer? Spring? Fall?)

With those two added, I could have gone a full star higher.

Technique: I_4 Stars Wht

 Not much to say here, the technique is great, the execution is great, it flows well, no problem at all. I could have gone to a perfect 5 star rating here, if the things I mentioned in Vision and Originality had found their way into the piece. Other than that, there is nothing pro or con about the technique. Just keep doing what you are doing, you are indeed on the right track.
Impact: K_5 Stars Wht
 
And now for the one that matters most.
 
 You would have to be cold and heartless for this particular piece to not have an impact on you. A non-fiction event where two siblings appear to be alone in a world where only the deity of the poet has found himself as tenuous as the event itself. It is important to note that the artist bringing to light the natural human reaction of allowing the “natural man” to question whether the existence, and or will of the Creator is at work in their situation. The religious/spiritual person cannot be a true devotee, unless they are willing to question what and who it is they serve, something in this instance, hits home for all those that have wondered if God is watching, will he help, why did he let this happen. It is a humbling moment, to admit that one does not know the mind of God, and rebels against it, even if only for a brief moment in time.
 
It gets five stars because it is real in every aspect, (although ambiguous in back-story and environment) it is something that anyone can visualize themselves being put in, or have already found themselves in. Its impact in relevant in the past, present, and future. A relevancy that anyone reading the work, hopes to never find themselves relating to.
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Daddy Rose
A single Father of 8 Daughters, with 4 elementary school aged girls still at home. A Music Producer, Fashion Designer, and Author from the 80's...
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