The worry lines etched
deep into her very soul
are poorly disguised.She sits in silence
in a hospital, afraid
at her sister’s side.
Tired of hearing
the best-case scenario
when nothing is sure.
Grief for what might be
begins to burrow into
the cracks of her heart.
Desperately she clings
to a faith she’s trying not
to dismiss or doubt.
Feeling more fragile
than she ever has before
she hides behind smiles.
When her sister’s eyes
open there’s no light behind
them to provide hope.
She doesn’t want to
hear the odds of recovery,
but watch it happen.
Searching empty eyes
she asks her sister weakly:
“Will you hold my hand?”
Our usual vision standard will have to be set aside yet again, and we will have to return to the generic measurement for this particular critique/review.
The vision here is clear enough to where we “get the gist”, but that is as far as it gets.
Because we get not even a brief mention of back-story, as to how this particular individual found themselves in this situation, and or how did the author/poet find them self here, we have to subtract a full star. I could have replaced a half star for each persons brief back-story, had it been inserted. A half-star was also deducted because there is no landscape/environment.
For example: (skip the haiku format, this is for vision purposes)
The Poet: The call, it came unannounced, the hospital that knew my name.
The Injured: The light shined red, she stopped as she should, another chose not to.
The Environment: Cold and white, devoid of life, the room shared in her despair.
The author mentions a Hospital, but without the environment, we are left in the lobby, and not in the room with the two women.
So now the expected question… Is this original?
Nooo… As if this was the first time members of a family gathered over tragedy in a hospital.
This should have been a two star crash, but…
- Seeing as this is the first critique I have done for this particular artist.
- This artist is young.
- This artist is drawing from a non-fiction event. (I saw a pic on her Instagram)
- This artist genuinely asks for specific input in the description of the poem.
A 3 ½ is more than fair.
The artist is sincerely interested in growth, and for that, we will give latitude.
I would have liked to see some proper nouns. (Sisters names, hospital name)
Colorful environment. (Day/Night, Hot/Cold, Winter? Summer? Spring? Fall?)
With those two added, I could have gone a full star higher.